My name is Missy, and I want to let whoever is reading this testimony know there is hope! I am 39 years old. As a consequence of mental illness and extreme abuse, I have been hearing voices since I was 10 or 11 years old. I have been bound by mental illness for most of my life. Mental illness and abuse has been a generational pattern in my family for decades. I heard three different types of audible voices, and I saw things that, most of the time, were not real. Some of the things I saw, I now believe were demonic.
My biological father was an alcoholic, emotionally and physically absent most of the time, and extremely abusive when he was around. My mom remarried and that relationship was strained as well. Throughout my early childhood and into my teen years, there was a lot of sexual abuse by different men who were supposed to be role models and father figures in my life. Because of things I was taught as a child, I was led into a life in the sex industry. Out of that came a lot of abuse, shame, despair, self-loathing and a desire to die.
God sought me out to bring me out of a life of shame, despair and constant condemnation. Even after answering the call of my Jesus to become His disciple (give my life to him), I still struggled with voices, and a deep depression that led me to cut myself, burn myself and even try to kill myself. After becoming a Christian, I was still hospitalized three or four times.
Little by little, God used people to help me through my times of darkness and lead me back to the Light. My long-time friends—Suzanne, Anne, Penny, Lisa, Lawanna and Kenneth—constantly prayed for me, as well as helped me with packing, moving, doctor’s appointments, food, etc. Then, by Divine Providence, I found The Hope of Survivors web site and sent them an email. It was over two years ago, in December (2005), when I met Samantha over the phone. Through the ongoing communications I had with her and her husband Steve, I learned to trust them, and then I started reading the web site. All this brought me a glimmer of hope. They stayed in touch, even when they didn’t agree with what I was doing. They were never critical of me. They stayed in constant contact and never left me. That really made an impression on me, as so many professed Christians turn their back on you when you don’t conform to what they want within a certain amount of time. Steve and Samantha always pointed me back to God, even when I didn’t have hope, had walked away from God, and didn’t even want to hear about God. God has shown me how they, and other genuine Christians, were consistent and patient with me, and now He’s helping me to be patient in the same way with others.
It was also through The Hope of Survivors that I found out about Black Hills Health & Education Center where I received a tremendous amount of help and support from the loving staff, especially Dr. Olivier, and found a loving set of spiritual parents in Pastor Dan and Patsy Gabbert. From Black Hills, I attended a healing session at Hope’s House, where Rena and Brenda prayed for my voices and helped me with my healing.
The Hope of Survivors gave me so much—of their time, counsel and assistance—and they never expected anything in return. They just continued to encourage me and walk with me along my life’s journey. For that, I am very grateful.
Jesus never gave up on me but, as I mentioned, at one point, I gave up on Him. He kept calling me back. I felt I couldn't be good enough. I would hear things like “you didn’t read your Bible enough; you didn’t pray enough; if you die today, you’re not forgiven; you will go to hell.” So I gave up. I listened to the lies of the devil. I chose to believe Satan over God. Because of my past hurt and the abuses I had suffered, I felt I couldn't trust God and didn’t even know how to try. Praise God He kept pursuing me!
As I mentioned, there were three types of voices from which I was delivered. The first was last year when I was anointed with oil and prayed over. The second type only went away with very strong psychotic meds that made me very ill, caused me to gain weight easily, and made me extremely lethargic. The third was what I call whispering voices. They never went away. I had given up hope and began to believe they would always be here with me.
About five weeks ago, I started journaling and asking God for forgiveness. I was prompted to do this because of my new friend Laurie who’d had a similar past and yet was now an instrument in God’s hands. I wanted to believe God would help me too. I started getting back in His Word and talking to Him daily. At first I had to make myself do this. I would rather watch TV, talk on the phone or do anything but spend time with God. I decided this year would be different. So I decided to make up my mind to change. No matter what it took, I would change. In my alone time with God, He quickly let me know I was not alone. And, I was not to do it alone, for in my strength, I was limited as to what I could do, but in His strength, all things were possible. In my weakness, He is made strong. So I started crying out to Him. I asked Him to help my unbelief. I asked Him to teach me to love Him and to be able to receive His love and the love from others. I started finding Scriptures to speak over myself daily. Daily I would speak out loud, “I believe in You, Jesus. I believe You’re here with me now. I believe You really love me just the way I am—imperfections and all. I believe I am forgiven.” One day I started crying out to God in my living room. I said if that woman in the Bible was made whole by pressing through the crowd and just touching Your gown (Matthew 9:20), then I too can be made whole. All I need is just one touch from You. Just one touch! You can even breath on me but please, just make me whole. Please make me clean.
I decided to go back to church that Wednesday night. It had been six months since I had been. I was scared and really nervous because I often have panic attacks in public and at church. I was going to sit in the balcony, but on the way to church I heard “no more shame, no more hiding.”
When we got to church I told my friend we could sit in the main sanctuary. I had peace the whole time during the service. Not one attack. I entered into worship. I started weeping. I tried to stop crying but God said not to stop it. He was tearing down walls I had built up to protect myself from my many hurts. I shut my eyes, raised my hands to heaven, and thanked Jesus for all he had done for me—not knowing the best was yet to come!
During worship, God spoke to me. He said, “You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven. This is a new year, my daughter. You’re right; it’s a new year. This year you will walk out of your old grave clothes and into my righteousness. You’re forgiven; you’re forgiven. You have a made-up mind and I have a plan and a future for your new life. No more hiding, no more shame. Cast off shame, cast off shame. This is your year for spiritual, physical and emotional breakthrough. I see your heart and I hear your cries. You are set free! This is a year to learn to walk it out. Keep sharing with others what I, your Lord God, am doing in and through your life. Keep speaking positive. Keep your face in my Word and your eyes forever turned toward Me. Keep doing what you know to be right. Stay sensitive to my Spirit. My Spirit will lead you and guide you. I am your Father. I love and care for you. Do not worry for nothing. I will supply all your needs. And, yes, even some of your wants, my daughter. I love you and I am proud of you. Keep looking to Me and always cast down vain imaginations. I love you, and remember you’re forgiven. No more shame. Cast it off and keep it off, you are now clean.”
Later that night, on the way home, I realized that for the first time since I was a child, I felt clean. For years I would wash my body with bleach—and even drink it—trying to be clean. I had been hospitalized many times. So when I felt the cleanness I was shocked, yet overwhelmed with joy and humbled by His love. Jesus had delivered me of uncleanness. I also felt no more shame! Praise God! Something I have carried with me since I was a small child of four or five years old. Then I realized the whispering voices were gone! I wept with joy! Never, not since I was 10 or 11, have I not heard these whispering voices. I am glad to report I am now on day five and voice free! I believe if you talk to me five years from now, I will still be voice free! God is not a man that He should lie (Numbers 23:19). If He said you can be set free, then you will be set free! He who the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36)!
I want to leave you with two of my favorite Scriptures in Bible. “I will praise the Lord at all times, I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord: let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness: let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy: no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”—Psalm 34:1-5
“Come now let us reason together, says the Lord, Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow, Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool.”—Isaiah 1:18 |
