(From the January 2010 edition of HopeSpeak)

“The most devastating effect the abuse brought on for me was with my relationship with God. Even though I continue to attend church, my heart often is not in it. It took me years before I began to feel connected with God again and it is still a struggle. I had no interest in reading the Bible, attending Bible Studies, or hearing people talk about God and his wonders. I was ashamed to talk with God because I took blame for the abuse. I couldn’t forgive myself for allowing the abuse to happen, so why would God want to? Even though I wanted to join a church, I couldn’t bring myself to take the steps to do so because I was afraid abuse would happen all over again. As a result of not having steady membership at a church, I may have missed out on a strong support system within the body of the church.
 
Isaiah 53:5 has been a crutch for me through this process. We are told in Isaiah that through Jesus’ wounds, we are healed. This verse tells me that God has compassion for those that are suffering from abuse because he sent his own son, Jesus to experience the horrors of it. Jesus was verbally abused, mocked, slapped, beaten, spit on and violated, but we are healed despite the pain he endured. This passage proves to me that God has compassion for me and will always hold me close to his heart.
 
I came across The Hope of Survivors website through my counselor’s recommendation. Reading through the various information and understanding victim’s stories was the breaking point in my healing because I knew I wasn’t alone in my situation. It’s as if the stories confirmed that yes, my experience had been pastoral sexual abuse, it wasn’t just a slip-up. I learned how taxing this type of abuse can be on a person and suggestions on how to heal from the pain which has been extremely helpful to me. This website taught me that there is no excuse for what happened between my pastor and I because he was expected to uphold appropriate boundaries between us, which he didn’t. As the website says, a pastor is not “just a man;” this is not an excuse for what happened.”

Stephanie Haslick, Michigan