(From the July 2009 edition of HopeSpeak)

“Like many victims of abuse, whether it’s spiritual, emotional, physical or verbal, I was in denial. I couldn’t grasp what happened to me. I sat in a support group with women who had been raped, or sexually abused by a spouse, relative, or stranger. I felt that I didn’t belong there, because I wasn’t ready to identify what happened to me as abuse. After all, this man was my spiritual father whom I prayed for and looked up to. There was no sexual activity involved. He never made any sexual innuendoes to me. His conversation was always about God, and what God said.

Perhaps this is the reason why I allowed him to rub me down with oil, wearing only my sports bra and biking shorts. He said that God told him to do this three times. At the time, I was given a diagnosis from the doctor, and I was experiencing some discomfort. The pastor told me that the “oil” was a twofold thing: one, to protect me and bring healing; and, two, to transfer the anointing that was on his life to mine. I wanted both.

It took a few months before I saw the light. God whispered in my hear “manipulation,” and so began my journey to healing. It’s been a rough road, and God was there all the time. This experience affected me spiritually because I was mad at God, so I didn’t pray or read the Bible like I use to. I was hurting inside. The very thing that I was called to do—prayer and worship—the devil used to hurt me through this man.

What helped me was knowing I was not alone. I stumbled across The Hope of Survivors web site and got in contact with Samantha. In my spirit, the Lord let me know this (spiritual abuse) was bigger than what I’d imagined. The information posted on the web site confirmed what God was telling me. It was abuse.

Samantha’s story has blessed me in that I know God can turn a mess and make it your ministry. I have written a book, Breaking the Silence from Shame, which details my experience. God has healed me. I’ve forgiven that pastor, and I’m moving forward with my life.

Now I can say, “Am I in the place of God? What the devil meant for evil God has turned it around for my good.” (Genesis 50:10-20)
Wykeeta Michele Lee, MO