Lie 1: Sexual
abuse (in this form) is rare and almost unheard of in the U.S.
Fact 1: Sexual
abuse and abuse of power in these types of situations is all too common,
even epidemic in our country and around the world. Unfortunately, most of
the men who violate the appropriate boundaries are “repeat” offenders
who continually exploit woman after woman.
Lie 2: It
must be my fault. If only I hadn’t been so nice, if only I’d
said “no” more firmly (or at all), if only…etc.
Fact 2: It
is not your fault. The pastor bears the responsibility for maintaining proper
boundaries and for protecting those under his care. According to the Bible,
we are each responsible for our own actions and choices and, therefore,
you do need to confess (to God) and repent for the willful sins you may
have committed during the abuse (lying, adultery, and so on).
“Know
ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not
deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate,
nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards,
nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such
were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified
in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”—1
Cor. 6:9-11
The person with the power (pastor, therapist,
teacher, etc.) is the one who has the responsibility to help you maintain
and keep proper boundaries. You are entrusted to his care and he is under
obligation to protect you, not to harm you. Pastors and other clergy have
a much more solemn obligation to keep this trust as they represent God to
their congregants.
Lie 3: The
pastor said this is God’s will for us to be happy. Shouldn’t
I believe him?
Fact 3: It
is never God’s will that we should break any of His Commandments. You
cannot, and should not, trust a pastor who is violating God’s Word.
| How
Does This Happen? |
|
Lie 4: God
called David a “man after His own heart” and God forgave
David after his sin with Bathsheba. Therefore, this must be OK in
God’s sight since it is in the Bible.
Fact 4: This
is one of the greatest lies a pastor uses to abuse women! Trying to
make the correlation that because God called David a “man after
His own heart” after David’s sin, that the pastor can
willfully perform the same sin and still be a man of God. The pastor
is trying to sanctify the sin and this is a perversion of truth.
In the story of David and Bathsheba, many
make the correlation that this was somehow a consenting relationship
and that there was a mutual attraction between them that allowed this
to happen. However, this is not what Scripture reveals.
In 2 Samuel 12:4-9 it states, “And
there came a traveller unto the rich man, and he spared to take of
his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man
that was come unto him; but took the poor man’s lamb, and dressed
it for the man that was come to him.” “Wherefore hast
thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight?
thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken
his wife to be thy wife...”
Here we clearly see that in God’s view
the rich man “took” the poor man’s lamb. It’s
important to notice that a lamb in the Bible represents someone as
helpless, unable to defend itself. “…he is brought as
a lamb to the slaughter…” Isaiah 53:7.
Again, in a more direct manner, God told David
that he had “taken” Uriah’s wife to be his. He did
not say chose, requested or pledged but, rather, “taken” which
is not mutual consent.
David, the leader of God’s chosen people,
held the position of responsibility and authority.
|
|
| |
“The abusive pastor or spiritual leader has allowed himself to
go a long way down the track before he ever commits the crime of abuse.
But until the crime is committed, he likely doesn’t realize just
how far he has already strayed. When once the deed is done or the pattern
begins to unfold, the huge distance from the Lord becomes readily apparent.
And it can seem like too enormous a gulf to bridge to ever get back. So
the abuser doesn’t try, at least not very hard. Rather he continues
to medicate his spiritual pain with fleshly anesthetic which is addictive.
And the Evil One laughs obscenely at his success over human weakness.
When the victim is trapped by this crime, she is often on her way, or
trying to be on her way, back to wholeness from brokeness. Of course wholeness,
including spiritual growth, is the last thing the devil wants. So he sets
her up for abuse by the human she is seeking a path to wholeness from,
sending her back into the abyss out of which she has started to climb.
And again his laughter is loud and ugly.”—Tom
Lemon, Minnesota Conference President
|
Sadly, many pastors use this story to convince the
women they are abusing that all will be forgiven and God will bless their
new relationship. This is just not according to God’s will. Although
David and Bathsheba were blessed at some point, their son being King Solomon,
they also suffered greatly, David most of all, for their sins.
Lie 5: “No
one knows me like you.” “I’ve never felt loved like this
before.” “You’re so special to me, I can’t live
without you.”
Fact 5: These
are lies the pastor tells you to play on your emotions in order to control
and manipulate you, and to make you feel guilty for trying to do what is
right. Get away from his abuse. Don’t fall for these lies, no matter
how much you may long to hear those words from someone. Coming from him,
those words can NEVER be
right.
Please read an excerpt from the AACC Christian
Counseling Code of Ethics.
|
